Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ember

My face is aglow with a flame:

There's a wave in my body implying ecstasy,

An irritation in my eyes due to fatigue,

A ruddyness on my cheek manifesting the frustration

Of utter deprivation...

A tear of sorrow,

A smile of acceptance,

A nod of sacrifice,

A thrill of suspense down my spine,

A terrible pain and an uncontrollable shiver

In my limbs owing to my feverish movements,

A restlessness in the heart,

A palpitation throbbing on my breast,

A random melody playing on my lips,

A torrent of words dammed behind my tongue,

A choking experience-

Of wonder and love,

Love and hate,

Hate and nonchalance,

Nonchalance and yearning,

Yearning and attachment,

Attachment and loyalty,

Loyalty and duty,

Duty and reward,

Reward and gratitude,

Gratitude and guilt....

I stand at a crossroad with multiple options.

No, I'm not confounded,

I know which path to take.

But I would have loved to live a thousand lives,

To travel along all those roads,

All those paths,

All those avenues that were never chosen.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Aamra to aar chhoto nei

It is childrens' day and there's noone at home. I am sitting with my eyes glued to my laptop screen reading two highly stirring poems written by two of my friends. One of them have spoken about the beauty of love that surpasses all questions and rises beyond words...the other one is about school-leaving. The poems have left me with a curious feeling... a disproportionate blending of wonder and sorrow. Words fail me.

I don't ever wish to leave school....school has given me the best years of my life. Although I aspire, with all my heart, to become a teacher, who knows what destiny has in store for me?On the other hand I wish to travel extensively, to see this world, to know its variations, to witness its harmony, to imbibe at once its beauty and squalour. I am so fond of leading, so fond of guiding, so fond of teaching, so fond of helping.... I cannot think of a better option than teaching for myself. I hate to think that for the next few years of my life while I'll be preparing myself for the bigger world, I shall be deprived of these opportunities to help, to guide, to teach... that school has provided me. Being the Deputy head girl was tiresome at times.... but trust me, the rewards that I got, the love that I received, the amount of satisfaction that I derived out of helping not only those who wanted it but those who needed it....everything.... they amount to a lot more than what I might have done for my own school.

This school has strengthened my character. The foundation had been laid by my parents and my first school where I spent 16 years of my life. But these two years have done that which only mhs could have achieved, with her multitude of girls and her sweet way of involving the newcomers. My new school has built on the foundation blocks that had been laid... and I know exactly how firm, how tough and how very balanced this new structure of my character is.

The time has arrived to leave school, forever. And I cannot say that I am not excited, not thrilled at the prospect of joining college. The poem about love has made me wonder about the beauty of the outer world, the adult world....it must be wonderful out there too.

But isn't it much better NOT to grow up ever? I agree, growing up IS fun, but I wish I could remain a child.

I'll miss you, dear school.....my alma mater..... I love you. I shall always love you. You have shown me who I am and I know that you will always be waiting for me....I would love to come back, trust me... there's no other place where I might feel so much at home, so much with my own people, so happy at being able to follow my own heart and not head. Nevertheless, never doubt my love for you... I love you a lot.....dear mother.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

types....protoypes, stereotypes, archetpes....

It is so great to know that you are in the middle, that there are people both above and below you in EVERY thing that you do. It gives you a kind of solace: a superiority complex over those below who have to bear somewhat less of your torturous/euphoric/burdened.... condition, AND a sense of mingled gratitude and relief to see those above you bear even heavier loads of sorrow/joy/work...

There are people who are even more "hyper" than I am.... getting snappy at every word, doling out commands knowing from experience that EVERYONE else is useless, resenting suggestions that are aimed at being helpful and forgetting decorum in the face of disgust and wrath.
Then again there are people who are the least affected by the waves: they rise with the crest and sink with the trough... all that they require is that they be seen at the right place at the right time by the right person, behind-the-screen work is never ever good enough to be even savoured by them.
Then of course there are people who have every intention of being helpful but just happen to be absent when the help is needed, not that they EVER do it intentionally,NEVER!!
There's also the type who can be very helpful and extremely active but often the problem is that they never dare to take any decision without having consulted.... come on!!!, you're not a kid, why do you need to ask me every time whether you could take the books from the desk and keep them in the drawer... i mean, say, if you do that which i don't like, am i going to gobble you up?For heaven's sake, learn to take a scolding or two in your stride!!
And finally of course, you have my type.... irritable, flustered, self-conscious, strict, attached and loyal, a curious mixture. God knows which alchemist could have blent such elements together!
Thanks a tonne for listening, I just needed to speak and there's no one at home!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

WHAT do YOU do?

What do YOU do when you JUST CANNOT help a person you could actuallydie for?

What do YOU do when you feel that all your powers and abilities are TOTALLY WORTHLESS?

What do YOU do when you know that the person after your heart does not think much of you?

What do YOU do when you realize that after all you CANNOT straighten out everyone's affairs?

What do YOU do when you take a look around and feel guilty for being happy when so many people are in pain?

What do YOU do when your most treasured possession is that which another person could die for?

What do YOU do when you know that you could have overcome ALL the abovementioned troubles had it not been for a few insensitive GORGONS?

I cry and I pray. But what do you do? Let me know, seriously, I am all ears. I am WAITING to hear from you, please do let me know.